Clearing the Cluttered Life

I have a hard time figuring out myself at this age. And I'm having an even harder time writing about it.

There's one thing that always happens to me when my birthday comes up. I don't really get excited with the fact that I'm a year older. Why? Because I'm older! It started when I was like... 8? 9 maybe... I remember crying when I became a teenager. So I'm a female Peter Pan at heart... sue me. But I find it a good excuse to eat at an expensive restaurant, ask for expensive gifts from mom and dad, or throw parties (which I did last Saturday).

Nevertheless, I'm alright. I know I could be happier though. I guess this is what you feel when you think you are currently living a "wala lang" life. Now that I'm 23, I realized that no one holds the key to my happiness. I deserve to be happy. I want to be. And I choose to be.

Epi burfdee toomih... =D

Okay... sabi ng mga kaibigan ko grabe daw ang utak ko mag-isip. Lumulutang ang isip. As in. Paranoid daw. Ang di dapat iniisip, di maalis sa utak. To the point na kung ano ang pinakahuling naiisip ko nung kinagabihan bago matulog, ay to be continued pa pala pagkagising ko kinaumagahan.

Sakit sa ulo. Grabe.

Di ko mapigilan... kung pwede nga lang.

So ano ba problema ko? Baka natatanong mo. Well... madami. Yung iba mas mahirap dalhin kasi di ko malabas. Ngayon lang ako nagkimkim ng problema ng ganito. Kung may mapagsasabihan lang o matatakbuhan. Kung meron lang makikinig. Pero hindi yun eh. Naiisip ko din na maraming masasaktan. Kaya iniisip ko, ako na lang. Kaya ko naman. Shyet... martyr?! Mahirap. Pero kaya. Pero kung pwede lang sanang may mapagsabihan ng problema. Kung pwede lang...

Drama ba?

Hehehe!

Isa pa yan. Naiisip ko din na ako ba ay tumatawa para lang takbohan ang problema? Lumisan man lang kahit saglit sa kabwisitan sa buhay? O pinipilit ko lang ba ang sarili kong maging masaya kahit hindi naman?

Shyeeeet...

Isipin ko man na maraming taong mas may malaking problema pa sa kin, eto pa rin ako. Di makontento sa kung anong meron ako. Isa na diyan ang mga pagkakataon na magkaroon ng magandang trabaho o ang makapag-ibang bansa. Nakita ko na ang mga hirap ng mga taong gustong makaalis. Gumagapang para lang makahanap ng trabaho. Pipila maghapon, maghihintay minsan para sa wala, at gagastos sa kung anu-anong bagay para sa resultang di garantisadong pabor sa kanila. Tangina! Ang sarap-sarap dito sa Pilipinas bakit ba gustong-gusto niyong umalis?! Maganda lang tingnan sa TV ang Amerika. Galing na ko dun. Na-depress pa nga ako eh. Kayo din... sige.

Eto pa. Alam mo yung feeling na pinapasukan mo ang isang bagay na napipilitan ka lang gawin? Parang obligado ka talagang gawin ang isang bagay para sa kapakanan mo at kasiyahan ng mga magulang? Ngunit alam mo din na pag tinuloy mo ay di ka na makakaalis sa inyong kinaroroonan? Black hole ito!!! Ampotah... pero di nga... alam mo ba yung feeling na yun? Nakakainis! Praktikal kung praktikal... pero kaya mo bang isangla ang sarili mong kaligayahan para sa kaligayahan ng iba? Hay... yan ang nararamdaman ko. Ni hindi ko na hawak ang sarili kong oras. Para bang hindi na ako malaya gawin ang gusto ko.

Hay buhay... parang life...

Nga pala. Lapit na birthday ko. Ano naman kaya nag maihahandog sa akin ng tadhana sa isa nanamang taon ng buhay ko? Ang taong ito... grabe... rollercoaster! Pero ayos lang. Marami naman akong natutunan. Nalaman ko din kung gaano kalakas ang loob ko. Di ko akalain na magagawa ko ang lahat ng nagawa ko. Elibs na nga ako sa sarili ko eh. O baka hindi ko lang alam manhid pala ako.

Hay naku... marami pa akong pagdadaanan. Bata pa ko. Ano pa kaya mangyayari sa kin? Sana graduate na ko sa mga kumplikasyon? O dadami pa kaya? Yoko na!

Shyet... nga pala. Kailangan ko na maglinis ng kwarto. Anubayan! Sorry naman. Inamin ko naman na meron akong problema sa pag-aayos. Alam mo yung feeling kapag may problema ka na kung tutuusin ang dali-dali gawan ng solusyon pero di mo magawa? Ganun ako sa kwarto ko. Tititigan ko lang at iisipin na kay daling linisin pero bakit di ko magawa. Kakainggit tuloy mga OC. Pano niyo nagagawa yun? Pero sa totoo lang... alam ko naman na kaya kong gawin. Baka nga naman tamad lang ako, di ba? Bullet day (Tagalogin), lilinis ka din. At balang-araw din (o, gets niyo na?), mababasa ko itong mga pinagsusulat ko at pagtatawanan ang sarili ko sa mga walang kakwenta-kwentang kababawan ko. Darating din yun. Darating din.

I remember bumping my head in a post once. I was around five I think. People laughed, but they forgot about it.

I used to love wearing those big headbands that pull your hair back. They say when you reach puberty you have to keep your hair off your face since you're prone to zits. So that's what I did.

My hair started to become wavy. Then curly. Then extremely unmanageable. But it was nothing a high combed-back ponytail couldn't fix.

When I'm stressed out, I do tend purposely bump my head on the wall. Or the table. Or anything that I think would hurt. Somehow it made me feel better.



So what's my point?

Nothing really...

I just realized I have an extremely large forehead.

As I ponder on my life's clutter, I feel that I should get rid of the things that I have placed on what I call THE PARKING LOT. Literally speaking, a parking lot is where you park (OMG, how profound... I wanted to rephrase that but I just felt like showing my readers how elementary my thoughts are). But in my previous company, the parking lot is basically a board wherein unresolved issues are posted and later on taken out once a resolution is made.

As far as I remember, up until April 2005, I only have one unresolved issue in my life. The moment that I was able to do what I had to do, other issues came rushing in like a swarm of bees.

Confrontaion was something I never had a problem with. But life was simpler then. My life is more complicated now. I thought I knew all the answers. I think I still do. But its execution doesn't seem to be as easy as 1 + 1 = 2 anymore. I found myself reading the first few lines of the Iliad yesterday. Anger be now your song, immortal one. Then I realized, that even if I still find myself being incredibly resilient despite everything, sometimes I feel that I have so much anger contained in me that has been screaming to get out.

I'm strong, but I'm tired.

I'm patient, but I have my limits.

I'm intelligent, but I'm dumb when emotions provoke my actions.

I love myself, but I'm not selfish.


Truly, no man is an island. Five people kept me sane: an old friend, a new acquaintance, a former colleague, an online buddy, and an emotional pillow. They give me a reason to smile.

And just like that, everything seems ok.

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

True? Maybe... Hihihi!

Bored and still ignoring my room... Hay...

I have been ignoring my room lately. It's even worse than the last time I tried to clear it out. I'm beginning to think I'm hopeless.

As a pathetic excuse not to clean my room I have been looking for a job, filling up my weekends to study SPED, and trying to look for other sidelines that I could do to make myself productive. And... I got a job offer. Ain't bad. Ain't bad at all. Not necessarily the same position I had but they still gave me pretty much the same salary that I was getting from my previous company.

Oh yeah, I'm thinking of reviving The Workaholic Bum (which I still am by the way... just felt that I should focus on this) since this is really just supposed to be a life project that I'm working on. The purpose of this blog basically is to fix the mere distractions that may cause delay in basically everything that I do. And damn, I can't even fix my room.

ARGH! Carry on...

Going through my old stuff gave me another reason to keep all these things other people call junk. All of them are part of my history. They are what made me the person I am today. Each item symbolizes a lesson that I have picked up over the years, whether it is academic or not.

I found a Christmas card someone gave me. I've censored the names with asterisks (*) for, well, privacy reasons. Hehe...

WARNING: CAN BE TOO SENTIMENTAL FOR YOUR TASTE.

December 16, 2000

Dearest Lj,

Hey you! It's Christmas na naman. Actually, I don't feel that Christmassy this year... probably because of all the things that are happening to me that I can't quite cope (even though I've tried my best). I'll shut up na about that.

We've gotten close over the summer and having you as my friend is certainly one of the best things that has happened to me. I am so lucky to have you as my friend even though in the previous months I took you for granted. Four people have advised you to dump me and I would have understood if you followed their advice. However, you didn't and I am forever thankful to God for giving you such a forgiving heart. Lj? Maraming salamat sa lahat na ginawa mo para sa akin especially during the times when I needed someone to talk to the most. Pasensya ka na kung nagkamali ako, asahan mo na lang na ginagawa ko ang lahat para magbago ako. I don't want to hurt you like that again. Thanks for sticking by me throughout our friendship. Thanks for taking me as your friend one more time... for letting me have another chance to show you how sorry I am for what I've done and to make myself be worthy of your friendship. I owe you a lot and I hope someday I can repay you. Oh yeah, thanks for introducing me to *****. Without you, we would never have met and enjoy each others' company.

I still want to say some more (things that you've made a difference in me). But I don't want to take up another card space. Anyway, this is what I can tell you: you inspire me to become a better friend.

Merry Christmas JJ! I hope you and your family will have a marvelous Christmas together. I love you, my friend. Happy New Year na rin.

Love,
**** *.

PS Among other things I want to thank you for; thanks for the quesadillas when I was sick with the flu.

She was the only person who ever called me JJ. Ever.

I'm sure you're happy and even if we drifted apart, I'm still thankful for all the happy memories. I told you this before, and I'll say it again: All those times, when things were getting complicated, I was always thinking about you and how you could get hurt. I'm sorry... again... and whether or not we can still bring back the past, just remember that I'm just here, the same way you were for me that fateful night when I learned the truth and called you.

Hope you had a great holiday. And, funny as this may sound, I guess we can call it quits.